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2011 Snowflake Program Made Holidays Brighter for 13 Birth Families

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 09:11:25 GMT

By Nada H., Celebrate Adoption Steering Committee Co-Chair and 2011 Snowflake Program Chair

Every year during the holidays, Celebrate Adoption teams up with Adoption Connection to provide gifts for birth families in need. The agency coordinates with the birth families to determine what items they need, including clothes, coats, and small toys. The requests are written on snowflakes, which can be selected and fulfilled by anyone.

Thanks to the generosity of Celebrate Adoption's members and the community, the holiday season was made a little brighter for 13 families (including 36 children). In addition to the many wrapped gifts, cash donations totaling $325 helped purchase gifts, and $325 in gift cards were also donated.

Thanks again to everyone who participated in the 2011 Snowflake Program!

Panelists share tales of “growing up adopted”

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 16:16:46 GMT

By Jennie C., mother by adoption to one daughter

Celebrate Adoption kicked off National Adoption Month 2011 with a panel discussion featuring five adult adoptees. More than 30 participants attended the event held on Sunday, November 6.

To begin the discussion each of the five panelists shared their diverse stories. Sunita and Kiran were adopted from India as children, Teresa and Jay were adopted domestically as infants via closed adoptions, and Alex—also adopted as an infant—grew up in an open domestic adoption. The panelists generously shared their perspectives on adoption in general, as well as their own experiences. The audience joined their laughter and tears during the emotional discussion.

Some of the most memorable points for me were:

Hearing Sunita and Kiran talk about the lack of information they have about their birth families, the circumstances that led to their adoptions, and how they’ve each processed the resulting emotions through the years. I was particularly moved by hearing Sunita talk about returning to India as a young teen and visiting the train station where she was found as a child.
Listening to Teresa and Jay share their experiences searching for their birth families, and the support they did (or did not) receive from their adoptive families. It was also fascinating to hear about the new connections and relationships they since formed with their birth families.
How reaffirming it was, as an adoptive mother in an open adoption, to hear Alex talk about how normal it felt to grow up in an open adoption with on-going, continuous contact with his birth mother.
Panelists sharing how important it is for parents within a transracial/transcultural adoption to acknowledge physical differences, explore cultures of origin, and prepare children for the reality of how they will be perceived by the outside world.
Seeing what a positive impact adoption has been in the panelists’ lives, despite the grief and loss that accompany it.

The panelists freely shared advice and answered several questions from the audience after telling their stories. The diverse audience included adoptive parents, adoptive grandparents, foster parents, prospective adoptive parents, and family members of the panelists.

Written feedback from the attendees was overwhelmingly positive, with comments including “I love hearing from adult adoptees,” and “We think [the panel] was very informative. Would love to have this [workshop] again in the future with other adoptees.”

Thank you again to our wonderful panelists and their families for sharing their stories with all of us. I’m already looking forward to our next educational event, Celebrate Adoption’s annual transracial/transcultural workshop on Saturday, February 4, 2012, featuring speaker Rhonda M. Roorda, co-author of the Trilogy of Transracial Adoption: In Their Parents' Voices: Reflections on Raising Transracial Adoptees; In Their Own Voices:Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories; and In Their Siblings' Voices: White Non-Adopted Siblings Talk About Their Experiences Being Raised with Black and Biracial Brothers and Sisters.

When Birthparents Refer to Themselves as “Mom” and “Dad”

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 21:31:22 GMT

By Patty B., Celebrate Adoption’s professional facilitator and mentor

I was recently asked by an adoptive mother how she should handle her daughter’s birthmother referring to herself as “Mom” in correspondence and visits. The child is too young to be aware of roles and labels at this time, but the adoptive mother correctly was concerned about this in the future.

The title of “Mom” and “Dad” holds so much importance to adoptive parents who have longed to have a child for a long time and have gone through so much to finally become a parent. They can’t wait for the day when their children utter those precious words of “mama” and “dada”. But, what about the birthparents? Are they also the mom and dad by virtue of having given birth to the children? Of course, they are. But clearly the roles that each will play in a child’s life is very different. As a result of placement, the birthparents have relinquished their role as the caretaker of the child.

Most adoptive families prefer to have a different label for their children’s birthparents. When talking about them with the child, they usually use the terms birthmother or birthfather, first mother or first father, the person whose belly you grew in, or by their first names. The label of “Mom” and “Dad” is usually associated with the people who provide daily care. Further, the birthparents referring to themselves as mom or dad, can undermine the adoptive parents feeling of entitlement. Entitlement in adoption is defined as having all of the rights, privileges and responsibilities to provide for all aspects of a child’s care. The adoptive parents may feel that the birthparents are not recognizing the adoptive parents as the child’s caregivers.

It is important to have a discussion with your child’s birthparents early in a relationship about the labels you will use in talking with your child about them. You can ask them if they would prefer to be called “birthmom” or “birthdad”, or by their first names or a combination of names and labels. Be sure to assure them that your child will know the special role they play in the child’s life as the people who conceived and gave them life. Assure them you will always tell the child that they were loved by their birthparents (if that is true), and that your family shares with the child positive information about them.

I advised the adoptive mother, and others in this situation, that it is not too late to have this discussion. Send a letter to your child’s birthparents explaining how you discuss adoption in your family, what labels you use for them, and your preference that they too, share the language you have chosen when they correspond or visit with the family. The letter should include your recognition of their importance to the child and your family. If despite this discussion, a birthparent does not follow your wishes, it might be time to seek mediation.

I have also heard adoptive parents express concern that the children will be confused if both the birth and adoptive parents are referred to with the same label. Kids are not confused. They know who cares for them on a daily basis.

As children grow older, they themselves might recognize that they have two “moms” and two “dads”. They might choose to call their birthparents, “mom” or “dad”. Sometimes they are just trying out the labels to see how it feels, but some children choose to use those labels. If it is the child who chooses the label, you will need to decide if you want to tell them that you prefer they refer to their birthparents by name or title. Even if you let them use “mom” and “dad”, you can continue to use the distinction of birthmom or birthdad when you talk about your child’s birthparents.

Family Matters: Handling “(Adopted)” in Your Family's Genealogy Record

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 15:43:23 GMT

By Jennie C., mother by adoption to one daughter

From the beginning, our families embraced our plan to adopt. When we adopted our daughter at birth in 2010, our families fell in love with her as much as we did and we have felt nothing but their love and support. E is a part of our family, period.

So, it took me by surprise recently when I received an e-mail that presented my first “adoption family challenge.”

I come from a large extended family and we have a reunion every other summer. Family members maintain an extensive genealogy that is updated prior to the reunion. One of my dad’s cousins e-mailed a reunion reminder to our part of the family and it included our “family update” with births, deaths, and marriages for the past two years, asking us to look it over for any corrections. Since E was born during this period, I quickly opened the file and scanned it to find her name. Everything looked great – name was correct, date of birth was correct – and then I noticed it. Right under her information in parentheses, it said: “(Adopted)”.

It bothered me at first. Not because it is a secret or that we are not proud of it. It is a fact that we adopted E and we love to tell our adoption story. We celebrate that she is a part of our family and has a birth family as well. And the more I thought about it, I seemed to remember from reading the family history years ago, that similar notations had been used for other family members who were adopted. So, I initially decided to let it go.

But then I kept thinking about it over the next few days and it still bothered me. Yes, E came to this family through adoption. But, that didn’t make her any less a part of it. And today families are created in such different ways, why do we need to put a label on it? Shouldn’t she just be included as our daughter and leave it at that?

After a quick sanity check with my husband and my mom to make sure I was not blowing this out of proportion, I composed an e-mail to send to my cousin:

We’re looking forward to the reunion! Thanks for being the coordinator of all the info. I read through the attachment and I would prefer that you remove the “adopted” in parentheses by E’s name. While it’s certainly no secret that E is adopted and is something that we are proud to share, I don’t feel like it is necessary to have in the update and reads more like an “asterisk” to me in terms of her place in this family. In this day and age, children join families through so many different ways – birth, adoption, donor eggs/sperm, surrogacy, through marriage as step-children, etc. – that it doesn’t make sense to me to put labels on them as part of the family.

After re-reading a few times for clarity, I pressed “send” and hoped for the best. I didn’t have to wait long and received this quick reply:

Looking forward to seeing you, too! I'll be glad to remove the word “adopted” from E's entry. I was just following the format of previous entries, trying to be consistent. I do see your point!

Success! I was relieved that the issue had been resolved and hopefully my speaking up will change the way our family handles the genealogy updates going forward. I am excited to attend the family reunion and introduce E to her extended family. We will be there, happy to share our adoption story with anyone who wants to listen, but knowing that our daughter is a part of the family, regardless of how she joined it.

Kevin Hofmann’s Presentation: Growing Up Black in White—A Brief Synopsis

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 12:53:27 GMT

By Nada H., mother by adoption to one daughter

On February 22, 2011, Celebrate Adoption welcomed Kevin Hofmann, author of “Growing Up Black in White,” to present our annual workshop on transracial/transcultural adoption.

Kevin shared his memories and offered his insights into the complexities and challenges of being a biracial (Caucasian/African American), adopted child raised by Caucasian parents. After beginning his presentation by recounting how a white family adopted a biracial infant during the civil rights movement of the 1960s in post-riots Detroit, Kevin kept an audience of 65 completely engaged, sharing both funny and tragic anecdotal stories of his childhood and growth into adulthood.

Kevin’s open and honest demeanor provided attendees with an opportunity to ask pointed and uninhibited questions about race, racism, family and adoption. Also in attendance were Kevin’s wife, two sons, and sister who also shared in the open discussion format, offering their own valuable insights to these challenging issues.

He helped the audience understand what transracially- or transculturally-adopted children might be feeling, but that they may lack the vocabulary—or are reluctant to—articulate those emotions to their adoptive parents. For that reason, Kevin encourages adoptive parents of children of another race or culture to maintain an open, ongoing dialogue about cultural and racial differences.

For me, one of the most thought provoking, “A-ha!” moments came when an attendee asked Kevin why he seemed to connect more with his African American side rather than with his Caucasian side, despite being raised by white parents. His answer was “I didn’t know I had a choice”. He went on to explain that when you are a child of color, society places a color value on you that Caucasian children typically don’t deal with.

Personally, I took three major points away from this workshop:

First, don’t tell your child that color doesn’t matter, because it does.
Second, don’t let your child feel victimized by racism, but rather be honest with them that it exists and teach them how to deal with it in a way that’s appropriate for their age.
Third, parents of biracial children have a responsibility to seek out positive relationships with people and families of that child’s race not only for their child’s benefit, but also for their own.

Overall, Kevin received rave reviews from the workshop’s attendees. Of the 36 completed evaluation forms received after the event, 72% strongly agreed, and 28% agreed, that the educational training increased their understanding of issues for children adopted transculturally/transracially, while 78% strongly agreed, and 12% agreed, that the session was relevant and valuable to their situation.

Comments included “I appreciated Kevin’s openness and candor,” “Kevin pointed out several ideas I never thought about, raising my understanding of upcoming challenges,” and “Great insight into the issues involved in being a transracial family.”

For more information about Kevin Hofmann, or about his book “Growing Up Black in White,” please click here.

New Research Findings on Adoption Identity

Fri, 15 Oct 2010 16:38:08 GMT

By Patty B., Celebrate Adoption’s professional facilitator and mentor

The Evan B. Donaldson Institute recently released the results of a study Beyond Culture Camp: Promoting Healthy Identity Formation In Adoption by authors Hollee McGinnis, Susan Livingston Smith, Dr. Scott D. Ryan, and Dr. Jeanne A. Howard (Published: 2009 November. New York NY: Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute). The purpose of the study was to learn about identity development in adopted persons generally, but also about the impact of racial/ethnic difference from one’s parents.

The study used an online survey, which was completed by 468 adopted adults. The analysis of the results published to date focused on two subgroups, 179 respondents born in South Korea and adopted by two Caucasian parents, and 156 Caucasian respondents born in the U.S. and adopted by two Caucasian parents. These two groups constituted over seventy percent of respondents and were chosen as comparison groups.

The study confirmed that identity is increasingly important to adopted children as they grow, and remains important in their adulthood. For individuals adopted trans-racially and trans-culturally, race and ethnicity is increasingly significant to adopted individuals’ identity as they grow. Coping with discrimination is an important part of identity formation for adoptees adopted across race and culture.

A majority of the Korean adoptees (78%) considered themselves to be or wished to be white as children. Most
did grow to consider themselves as Korean-American, though a minority of respondents still longed to look like
their parents or members of the majority culture and were considered to be unresolved in their racial or cultural
identity. Those that grew to accept their identity as Korean-American did so as a result of maturity. Access to a more diverse community and affiliation with other people of Asian background was stated as important in helping themto integrate their racial/ethnic identity. Analysis showed that positive racial/ethnic identity development is most effectively facilitated by “lived” experiences such as travel to native country, racially diverse schools, and role models from their same race/ethnicity.

Self esteem and high scores on a scale of strong ethnic identification were significant predictors of Korean
Adoptees comfort with race and ethnicity. Also, experiencing less racial discrimination and having higher
life satisfaction were associated with greater comfort with their racial/ethnic identity. For Korean adopted adults, three factors predicted comfort with adoption identity: gender (females were more comfortable with their adoption); satisfaction with life (higher satisfaction predicted greater comfort with adoption); and self-esteem (higher self-esteem predicted greater comfort with adoption).

For Koreans, experiences of racial teasing that were prevalent also were associated with lower life satisfaction
and lower self-esteem. Forty-nine percent of Korean adoptees had searched and 30% had contact with birth
relatives. This was an unexpected finding of the study.

For Caucasian adoptees, “adoptism” (discrimination based on being adopted) was identified as a reality, and the
Caucasian respondents were somewhat less comfortable with their adoption status than the Korean respondents. The strongest predictor of comfort with one’s adoption identity for White respondents was life satisfaction. For white respondents, the most important factor in satisfaction with adoptive identity as adults was contact with their birth relatives. Eighty-six percent had searched and 45% of Caucasian adult adoptees had contact with birth relatives.

The study demonstrates the increasing importance of identity to adopted persons as they grow. Contact with
birth family was found to be significant to the satisfaction of adoptive identity to adoptive adults, particularly to
White respondents. However, about half of Korean adult adoptees had searched and many had contact with birth
relatives, a surprising find of the study. This suggests the importance of adoptive families in embracing the search
process to aid adult adopted persons in their satisfaction with adoption identity. The importance of providing the
trans-racially/trans-ethnically adopted person direct contact with diverse communities and to members of the
adoptees’ own race and ethnicity was reinforced in this study of Korean adopted adult respondents. It will be
important to look at other trans-racial adoptions to see if the same results are found.

More information is available here.

This entry originally appeared as an article in the Fall 2010 issue of Celebrate Adoption's Newsletter.

Applying the term “adoption” to pets: What’s the effect on adopted children?

Sun, 19 Sep 2010 20:23:08 GMT

One of our members recently asked the following question:

“We are planning on getting a dog for our family from a rescue. My question is this: people always talk about “adopting” dogs/pets....how does this language affect adopted children?”

Here is an opinion on the topic from Patty B., Celebrate Adoption’s professional facilitator and mentor, and mother of two adopted daughters:

I think it is okay to "adopt" a pet, as long as you are making them a member of your home, and you are not going to get rid of them if they have behavioral issues. Many people feel their pets are part of the family, myself included.

Pets can be great in helping the family connect. We have had many a family gathering focused on the dog doing tricks, training the dog, playing with the dog and the dog (poor thing) being dressed up by the kids.

Dogs continue to be an important component of my children’s lives—in fact my elder daughter just called to tell me she is on her way to take her dog to the park.

However, if the dog sleeps in the barn, or outside, it is not a household member and probably should not be "adopted."

I think the term you use—whether it be “adopted” or “rescued”—is an individual decision. Just be clear that to kids, the act of bringing a dog into the family could be a metaphor for adoption.

My younger daughter was with me when we picked up our dog—she was 5 years old at the time. Upon arrival, we met the dog’s ‘birthmom’ and ‘foster mom’. These were her labels, not at that specific moment, but later. Our kids were the ones who said we adopted the dog.

Because the dog’s birthmom had so many pups, and another dog had just two, the other dog nursed the puppy that became ours. My daughter always wanted to take him back to see his foster mom and birthmom. We never did because it was very far away, but it did open up conversation about her birthmom.

Dogs are a lot of work to train, but once their education is complete, they are wonderful additions to the family. When kids have special needs, they take solace in their pets. They get unconditional love and can talk through their concerns without criticism. They are playmates and they keep them comfortable in times of anxiety or stress.

With learning disabled kids, dogs are being used to promote reading. These programs have the child read to the dog, and kids seem willing to practice their skills in this manner.

Obviously I am a fan of dogs...but they are a lot of work!

What are your thoughts on applying the term “adoption” to pets? Add your comment to this Blog entry below and we’ll post it. Celebrate Adoption encourages dialog on all adoption topics, including this one.

Unexpected emotions following placement? Professional advice here...

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 15:03:46 GMT

Posted by Patty B., LISW, Adoption Social Worker and Celebrate Adoption Cincinnati Professional Facilitator

You’ve waited for a long time to bring home your child. You have experienced years of waiting to become parents, and finally the big day has arrived! However, you find that the anticipated excitement is not as you expected. You are feeling unsure, numb and possibly even depressed. How can this be? You have anticipated this event for so long.

Adoptive parents often experience a number of emotions following the placement of a child, and they may not be the joyful emotions of celebration that were anticipated. Often, adoptive couples do not have the opportunity to prepare emotionally for the parenting of a child by adoption. The long and arduous journey to become a parent can take its toll. There may have been years of infertility, or the couple may have experienced previous emotional losses from a birthparent change of heart. The adoption process itself creates uncertainty.

Unlike in pregnancy, the date of the anticipated arrival of a child is often uncertain. Sometimes the call announcing an imminent placement occurs suddenly with little warning. At other times, a match has been made and the family has an idea of when the baby will arrive, just like in pregnancy, however, the events of a placement are not in the control of the adoptive couple.

They must wait for the birthparent to sign the permanent surrender, which cannot occur until at least 72 hours after the child’s birth. Those 72 hours are often the most harrowing of the long wait. Families are faced with many conflicting emotions: the excitement that at last a placement is possible, the fear that the birthmother may choose to parent, and the sorrow for the birthmother’s imminent loss should she move forward with an adoption plan. It is a result of these conflicting emotions that prevents families from being prepared for the emotional tasks of parenting. To protect themselves from devastation if the birthmother chooses not to move forward with an adoption plan, they also protect themselves from the excitement and anticipation of becoming a parent.

Some adoptive families find that they arrive home with a sense of numbness. They go through the motions of parenting, feeling as if they are babysitting someone else’s child. They may find they are sad and worried about the birthparents, and feel guilt that they have the child while the birthparent has gone home alone. Excessive loss or worry may postpone their forming a bond with the child. In addition, they may find themselves ill prepared to care for an infant or young child. While their friends have read about infancy and early childhood development during the nine months of pregnancy, the adoptive couple’s anxiety about the placement may have prevented them from learning about how to care for a baby.

Fortunately, most adoptive families soon adjust to their new role as parents. As they care for their child’s needs, a growing competence in their ability to care for and comfort their child leads to a sense of confidence. A mutual bond develops. While this may not be instantaneous, usually it develops in a fairly short period of time.

The September 2007 issue of Adoptive Families magazine addresses post-adoption depression and delayed bonding in an article entitled, “Do I Love Him Yet?” Several families share their experiences with post-adoption depression and symptoms are listed. While it is not unusual to experience some difficulty adjusting to your new role as parents, if you experience excessive sorrow, anxiety, and panic, you may want to seek help. Fatigue and lack of energy, weight loss, increased or decreased need for sleep, crying or tearfulness, and feelings of low self-esteem are serious emotions and warrant professional support.

So, what can you do while you are waiting to prepare yourself for the possible difficult emotions that accompany the wait, particularly the last 72 hours and your subsequent new role as parents? Think about how you have dealt with past stressful situations and anticipate a similar response. Line up a potential support network and let your family, friends, partner and social worker know how to best support you. You may need to request physical support in the form of meals or help with household responsibilities. Or, you may just need to ask someone to be available by phone to talk with you. Purchase a book on infant and early childhood development that is easy to peruse for information. You might not be ready to read it prior to placement, but it will come in handy following the child’s placement into your home.

For more information, see www.adoptivefamilies.com/pad

How to explain an open adoption...

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 15:03:35 GMT

Posted by Sara S., Celebrate Adoption Cincinnati member and mother of one adopted child

When my husband and I adopted our daughter at birth in December 2008, we were thrilled to have the opportunity to pursue an open adoption with her birthmother. We did, however, want to be sure we communicated what an open adoption meant to the many people in our lives.

Although open adoptions have been growing in popularity over the past 20 years or so, we suspected there were likely to be misunderstandings and misconceptions about how the whole arrangement would work. Additionally, we saw an opportunity to educate others about positive adoption language.

To that end, we developed a letter that we shared with friends, family and acquaintances through a variety of sources. Here's what we said... And, by the way, if you'd like to craft a similar communication of your own you are encouraged to "steal" this content and tweak it however you wish.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and well wishes about our adoption of our daughter. We wanted to take a quick moment to share a bit about our plan for her adoption, and about using positive adoption language. We believe both will be of great benefit to our daughter as she grows up.

We have entered into a voluntary “open” adoption agreement with our daughter’s birthmother. This means we will strive to maintain a friendly relationship with birthmom, sharing information back and forth as our daughter grows. Openness can range from the adoptive parents sending pictures and letters to the birthmother once a year, all the way up to the extreme—adoptive and birth families vacationing together. We will likely pursue a more moderate balance of monthly photos and letters, and a weekly phone call.

While many traditional adoptions are “closed”—that is, no contact between adoptive and birth parents—we believe it is to our daughter’s benefit to have contact with her birthmom so she can gain a better sense of her heritage and background. It will also afford her a chance to understand first-hand that her birthmother is a wonderful, beautiful and selfless soul who wanted the best for her baby. Further, any medical or health history developments that may arise can be shared and addressed quickly.

Open adoptions are NOT “co-parenting”. Rather, our daughter will likely think of birthmom as more like an aunt or close family friend. Ultimately, our goal in this is to ensure that our child is secure, confident and comfortable with her life story.

To that end, the words we choose when discussing adoption in general—and our daughter’s adoption specifically—say a lot about what we think and value. Using positive adoption language stops the spread of misconceptions.

Therefore, we ask that when you speak with us or others about the concept of adoption, you please choose “positive” adoption language instead of “negative” terms that help perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you'll reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo. Here are a few examples:

Positive Language                   Negative Language
Birth parent                Real parent
Biological parent            Natural parent
Birth child                                Own child
My child                                  Adopted child
Born to unmarried parents         Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights         Give up
Make an adoption plan           Give away
To parent                               To keep
Making contact with              Reunion
Parent                                Adoptive parent
Search                                    Track down parents
Child placed for adoption             Unwanted child
Was adopted                             Is adopted

We appreciate all your support!