Unexpected emotions following placement? Professional advice here...

January 21, 2010

Posted by Patty B., LISW, Adoption Social Worker and Celebrate Adoption Cincinnati Professional Facilitator

You’ve waited for a long time to bring home your child. You have experienced years of waiting to become parents, and finally the big day has arrived! However, you find that the anticipated excitement is not as you expected. You are feeling unsure, numb and possibly even depressed. How can this be? You have anticipated this event for so long.

Adoptive parents often experience a number of emotions following the placement of a child, and they may not be the joyful emotions of celebration that were anticipated. Often, adoptive couples do not have the opportunity to prepare emotionally for the parenting of a child by adoption. The long and arduous journey to become a parent can take its toll. There may have been years of infertility, or the couple may have experienced previous emotional losses from a birthparent change of heart. The adoption process itself creates uncertainty.

Unlike in pregnancy, the date of the anticipated arrival of a child is often uncertain. Sometimes the call announcing an imminent placement occurs suddenly with little warning. At other times, a match has been made and the family has an idea of when the baby will arrive, just like in pregnancy, however, the events of a placement are not in the control of the adoptive couple.

They must wait for the birthparent to sign the permanent surrender, which cannot occur until at least 72 hours after the child’s birth. Those 72 hours are often the most harrowing of the long wait. Families are faced with many conflicting emotions: the excitement that at last a placement is possible, the fear that the birthmother may choose to parent, and the sorrow for the birthmother’s imminent loss should she move forward with an adoption plan. It is a result of these conflicting emotions that prevents families from being prepared for the emotional tasks of parenting. To protect themselves from devastation if the birthmother chooses not to move forward with an adoption plan, they also protect themselves from the excitement and anticipation of becoming a parent.

Some adoptive families find that they arrive home with a sense of numbness. They go through the motions of parenting, feeling as if they are babysitting someone else’s child. They may find they are sad and worried about the birthparents, and feel guilt that they have the child while the birthparent has gone home alone. Excessive loss or worry may postpone their forming a bond with the child. In addition, they may find themselves ill prepared to care for an infant or young child. While their friends have read about infancy and early childhood development during the nine months of pregnancy, the adoptive couple’s anxiety about the placement may have prevented them from learning about how to care for a baby.

Fortunately, most adoptive families soon adjust to their new role as parents. As they care for their child’s needs, a growing competence in their ability to care for and comfort their child leads to a sense of confidence. A mutual bond develops. While this may not be instantaneous, usually it develops in a fairly short period of time.

The September 2007 issue of Adoptive Families magazine addresses post-adoption depression and delayed bonding in an article entitled, “Do I Love Him Yet?” Several families share their experiences with post-adoption depression and symptoms are listed. While it is not unusual to experience some difficulty adjusting to your new role as parents, if you experience excessive sorrow, anxiety, and panic, you may want to seek help. Fatigue and lack of energy, weight loss, increased or decreased need for sleep, crying or tearfulness, and feelings of low self-esteem are serious emotions and warrant professional support.

So, what can you do while you are waiting to prepare yourself for the possible difficult emotions that accompany the wait, particularly the last 72 hours and your subsequent new role as parents? Think about how you have dealt with past stressful situations and anticipate a similar response. Line up a potential support network and let your family, friends, partner and social worker know how to best support you. You may need to request physical support in the form of meals or help with household responsibilities. Or, you may just need to ask someone to be available by phone to talk with you. Purchase a book on infant and early childhood development that is easy to peruse for information. You might not be ready to read it prior to placement, but it will come in handy following the child’s placement into your home.

For more information, see www.adoptivefamilies.com/pad
 

Tags:

Add comment

How to explain an open adoption...

January 12, 2010

Posted by Sara S., Celebrate Adoption Cincinnati member and mother of one adopted child

When my husband and I adopted our daughter at birth in December 2008, we were thrilled to have the opportunity to pursue an open adoption with her birthmother. We did, however, want to be sure we communicated what an open adoption meant to the many people in our lives.

Although open adoptions have been growing in popularity over the past 20 years or so, we suspected there were likely to be misunderstandings and misconceptions about how the whole arrangement would work. Additionally, we saw an opportunity to educate others about positive adoption language.

To that end, we developed a letter that we shared with friends, family and acquaintances through a variety of sources. Here's what we said... And, by the way, if you'd like to craft a similar communication of your own you are encouraged to "steal" this content and tweak it however you wish.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and well wishes about our adoption of our daughter. We wanted to take a quick moment to share a bit about our plan for her adoption, and about using positive adoption language. We believe both will be of great benefit to our daughter as she grows up.

We have entered into a voluntary “open” adoption agreement with our daughter’s birthmother. This means we will strive to maintain a friendly relationship with birthmom, sharing information back and forth as our daughter grows. Openness can range from the adoptive parents sending pictures and letters to the birthmother once a year, all the way up to the extreme—adoptive and birth families vacationing together. We will likely pursue a more moderate balance of monthly photos and letters, and a weekly phone call.

While many traditional adoptions are “closed”—that is, no contact between adoptive and birth parents—we believe it is to our daughter’s benefit to have contact with her birthmom so she can gain a better sense of her heritage and background. It will also afford her a chance to understand first-hand that her birthmother is a wonderful, beautiful and selfless soul who wanted the best for her baby. Further, any medical or health history developments that may arise can be shared and addressed quickly.

Open adoptions are NOT “co-parenting”. Rather, our daughter will likely think of birthmom as more like an aunt or close family friend. Ultimately, our goal in this is to ensure that our child is secure, confident and comfortable with her life story.

To that end, the words we choose when discussing adoption in general—and our daughter’s adoption specifically—say a lot about what we think and value. Using positive adoption language stops the spread of misconceptions.

Therefore, we ask that when you speak with us or others about the concept of adoption, you please choose “positive” adoption language instead of “negative” terms that help perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you'll reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo. Here are a few examples:

Positive Language                   Negative Language
Birth parent                                Real parent
Biological parent                        Natural parent
Birth child                                  Own child
My child                                    Adopted child
Born to unmarried parents           Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights             Give up
Make an adoption plan               Give away
To parent                                   To keep
Making contact with                    Reunion
Parent                                        Adoptive parent
Search                                      Track down parents
Child placed for adoption             Unwanted child
Was adopted                             Is adopted

We appreciate all your support!
 

Tags:

Add comment