When Birthparents Refer to Themselves as “Mom” and “Dad”

July 21, 2011

By Patty B., Celebrate Adoption’s professional facilitator and mentor

I was recently asked by an adoptive mother how she should handle her daughter’s birthmother referring to herself as “Mom” in correspondence and visits. The child is too young to be aware of roles and labels at this time, but the adoptive mother correctly was concerned about this in the future.

The title of “Mom” and “Dad” holds so much importance to adoptive parents who have longed to have a child for a long time and have gone through so much to finally become a parent. They can’t wait for the day when their children utter those precious words of “mama” and “dada”. But, what about the birthparents? Are they also the mom and dad by virtue of having given birth to the children? Of course, they are. But clearly the roles that each will play in a child’s life is very different. As a result of placement, the birthparents have relinquished their role as the caretaker of the child.

Most adoptive families prefer to have a different label for their children’s birthparents. When talking about them with the child, they usually use the terms birthmother or birthfather, first mother or first father, the person whose belly you grew in, or by their first names. The label of “Mom” and “Dad” is usually associated with the people who provide daily care. Further, the birthparents referring to themselves as mom or dad, can undermine the adoptive parents feeling of entitlement. Entitlement in adoption is defined as having all of the rights, privileges and responsibilities to provide for all aspects of a child’s care. The adoptive parents may feel that the birthparents are not recognizing the adoptive parents as the child’s caregivers.

It is important to have a discussion with your child’s birthparents early in a relationship about the labels you will use in talking with your child about them. You can ask them if they would prefer to be called “birthmom” or “birthdad”, or by their first names or a combination of names and labels. Be sure to assure them that your child will know the special role they play in the child’s life as the people who conceived and gave them life. Assure them you will always tell the child that they were loved by their birthparents (if that is true), and that your family shares with the child positive information about them.

I advised the adoptive mother, and others in this situation, that it is not too late to have this discussion. Send a letter to your child’s birthparents explaining how you discuss adoption in your family, what labels you use for them, and your preference that they too, share the language you have chosen when they correspond or visit with the family. The letter should include your recognition of their importance to the child and your family. If despite this discussion, a birthparent does not follow your wishes, it might be time to seek mediation.

I have also heard adoptive parents express concern that the children will be confused if both the birth and adoptive parents are referred to with the same label. Kids are not confused. They know who cares for them on a daily basis.

As children grow older, they themselves might recognize that they have two “moms” and two “dads”. They might choose to call their birthparents, “mom” or “dad”. Sometimes they are just trying out the labels to see how it feels, but some children choose to use those labels. If it is the child who chooses the label, you will need to decide if you want to tell them that you prefer they refer to their birthparents by name or title. Even if you let them use “mom” and “dad”, you can continue to use the distinction of birthmom or birthdad when you talk about your child’s birthparents.
 

Tags: adoptee , adoption , adoption support , adoption triad , adoptive family , adoptive father , adoptive mother , adoptive parent , birth father , birth mother , birth parent , birthmother , birthparent , domestic adoption

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